Nggak sulit untuk membuat hidupmu penuh drama. Setidaknya, terlibat secara nggak langsung. Cukup dengan kemalasan yang berkepanjangan, aku yakin drama remeh temeh pun bakal memantik jari-jarimu untuk berkomentar.

Itu yang aku alami kadang-kadang.

Saat aku terlibat perseteruan online, penyebabnya selalu karena aku kurang kerjaan. Atau lagi ada kerjaan tapi lagi malas. Atau memang lagi nggak ada kerjaan, tapi bukannya aku  masak-masak, bersih-bersih rumah, berenang ke Salsabila, senam ngikutin The Fitness Marshall, atau nulis blog, tapi malah scrolling media sosial berjam-jam tanpa tujuan yang jelas.

Karena nggak ada suatu hal yang 'besar' (atau sedang menghindarinya), maka hal-hal sekecil kerikil macam post orang asing yang sedikit berbeda aja kerasa nyentil telinga. Yang kecil bukan orang-orang dan permasalahan mereka itu ya, namun perhatianku dan pengetahuanku tentang mereka, itu yang kecil.

Kalau lagi waras, menahan diri itu mudah. Kalau lagi nggak waras, ya.....menyusun kalimat untuk menyampaikan maksud aja belibet dan nggak jelas. Akhirnya? Salah paham.

Satu, dua kali, aku tersandung sama hal ini. Begitu melakukan kesalahan, otak ini otomatis berpikir :

1. Kenapa sih respon mereka harus begitu?

2. Ih, itu urusan mereka lah. Mereka begitu, tapi kalau aku nggak komentar, nggak bakal kayak gini juga kali.

3. Iya ya. Jadi lain kali aku jangan gitu deh, biar jadinya nggak kayak gini.

Tentu ada galau-galauan yang tak terhitung di antara tiga step di atas. Aku salah. Eh tapi dia juga salah. Eh tapi aku sih yang salah duluan. Tapi dia caranya salah juga. Ya, aku yang salah sih. Tapi tapi....

Hadeh.

Belum lagi kata-kata yang diragukan kebenarannya. Mulai masuk dalam pikiran dan kebawa perasaan. Bikin ragu-ragu sama diri sendiri. Padahal sama-sama nggak kenal. Bisa-bisanya melabeli suatu hal sebagai 'kenyataan' yang mungkin memang nyata bagi satu, tapi jelas tidak bagi yang lain.

Duh. Ribet.

Nggak apa deh, yang penting sudah saling mengaku salah. Yang penting sudah tidak ada urusan lagi. Sudah tidak saling lihat lagi. Ingat sih, masih. Nggak bakal lupa kayaknya. Tapi banyak hal lain yang lebih penting untuk dijejalkan di kepala, daripada secuil unit informasi yang melayang-layang di luasnya angkasa dunia maya. 

Ya, sudahlah. Semoga dengan ini bisa lebih lega lagi. It's fine.

It will be fine.

 ---

Oke, sudah cukup samar kah, tulisanku? Cukup ya? Aku publish ah. See you in another post!

Akhir-akhir ini saya suka membuka notifikasi dari Facebook yang berupa On This Day. Dalam notifikasi tersebut, kita diperlihatkan post yang kita lakukan pada tanggal ini di tahun-tahun yang lalu. Saya yakin banyak pula yang sering membuka notifikasi ini. Siapa sih, yang nggak suka nostalgia?

Kebetulan hari ini saya membuka Facebook dan notifikasi tersebut.

Yup. Saya dulu alay! Saya dulu kalau nulis di internet atau sms, 'l' nya jadi 'L'. Pembelaan saya, itu adalah bawaan ketikan jaman-jaman hape jadul di mana 'I' atau 'i' kapital terlihat sama dengan 'l' atau 'l' kecil, maka saya memutuskan untuk meng-kapitalkan semua huruf 'l' yang saya gunakan.

Eits, tenang. Itu hanya saya lakukan di SMS atau waktu online saja. Kalau waktu mencatat pelajaran tidak sama sekali. See, not all 'alay' kids are stupid, I knew my place :p

Satu hal yang dulu sempat ngetrend adalah tag-tagan! Tahu maksud saya?

Kalau gaya penulisan SMS saya sudah berubah, hal yang tidak berubah dari saya adalah kegemaran saya terhadap musik. Karena malam Minggu ini saya selo seperti malam-malam Minggu yang lain (ehm), di bawah ini adalah hasil tag-tagan yang sama dengan playlist musik saya saat ini. Cuman kali ini saya agak curang ya, playlist musik saya saat ini terdiri dari banyak musik dari yang saya suka sampai yang saya coba-coba, jadi ada yang cocok sama telinga saya dan ada pula yang tidak. Berbeda dari 8 tahun lalu di mana playlist isinya favorit saya semua. Jadi, kali ini saya shuffle sampai ke lagu yang setidaknya sering saya dengarkan.

Tapi percayalah, lagunya tidak saya cocok-cocokkan. Nasib jawaban masih tergantung shuffle-an. Ada sekitar 2000-an lagu di playlist saya, jadi...sebenarnya jawaban di sini bakal kurang merepresentasikan koleksi musik saya karena pertanyaannya kurang banyak haha. Jawaban pertama saya adalah jawaban saya tahun 2009, yang berikutnya adalah jawaban 2017. Yang di dalam tanda [---] adalah komentar saya pada kedua tahun tersebut. Yang tahun 2009 saya copas langsung dari Facebook jadi tulisan saya masih alay. Mohon bersabar walau ini bukan ujian tapi mohon bersabar membaca tulisan acakadut saya :))

Okay! Let's start this old game! Feel free to join me ;)

1. Put your music on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag at least 10 friends who might enjoy doing the memo as well as the person you got the memo from.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?  

2009 : Check Yes JuLiet – We The Kings
[run baby run!! LoL] 

2017: Blackbird - The Beatles

[Ah, we started this with a silly answer hahaha]

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
2009 : Kiss Kiss – Chris Brown
[what does that mean??]

2017 : Cemetery Drive - My Chemical Romance

[What the hell???? LOL I'm still emo kid at heart]

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
2009 : Way Back Into Love – Hugh Grant & HaLey Bennet
[I’ve been looking for some one to share some light..not somebody just to get me through the night..LOL :) ]

2017 :  Circus - Britney Spears

[There's only two types of guys out there,
Ones that can hang with me, and ones that are scared
So baby I hope that you came prepared
I run a tight ship, so beware

Hmmm not bad ;)]

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
2009 : Billie Jean – David Cook
[go ask BiLLie Jean :p]

2017 : The Time Has Come Again - The Last Shadow Puppets

[Actually, this is a perfect song to describe myself today]

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
2009 : Right Before Your Eyes – Hoobastank
[I need you to trust who I’m gonna be and in everything I’m going to do.. wuiih. Ini benar2 saya shuffLe Lho :D]

2017 : The Girl From Back Then - Kings of Convenience

[Okay, this is silly. Nggak ada motto-motto an di lagu ini but still a chill song]

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
2009 : Home - Daughtry
[home! Yeah.]

2017 :  Out With A Bang - Lana Del Rey

[Okay, this is...tragic.]

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
2009 : Breathing - Lifehouse
[yaeyaLaa saya bernafas! LoL]

2017 :  La La - Ashley Simpson

[Mungkin benar, teman-teman La La  kepada saya hahaha]

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
2009 :Queen of My Heart – WestLife
[hee~ seharusnya KING! Hahahaaa...]

2017 : Coffee and TV - Blur

[Nah! Ini kenyataan hahahaha]

WHAT IS 2+2?
2009 : Breakaway – KeLLy Clarkson
[LOL]

2017 :  Disenchanted - My Chemical Romance

[My math skill is disenchanted...lol]

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
2009 : My ImmortaL – Evanescence
[you cry i wipe away aLL of your tears...waaw. no comment.]

2017 : Yayo - Lana Del Rey

[Lagu ini terlalu romantis kalau buat best friend....kecuali saya ingin menikahi best friend saya. Yang mana sempat terjadi ketika saya sama si ItuLahNggakUsahDisebut. Yang jelas sekarang tidak lagi :))]

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
2009 : Breaking The Habbit – Linkin Park
[oops. LOL] 

2017 :  Ignorance - Paramore

[They ignore meeeeee :((]

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
2009 : Get Back – Demi Lovato
[give my Life back to me!!! LOL]

2017 :  Samson - Regina Spektor

[Aaah...it's a sad love song. I love/hate it.]

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
2009 : Viva La Vida - CoLdpLay
[hwaaa...]

2017 :  Don't Know Why - Norah Jones

[Lebih tepatnya 'I don't know what to answer']

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
2009 : I Miss You – Incubus
[yeah..you are about to miss me, peopLe. LOL] 

2017 : Independence Day - Elliott Smith

[Merdeka dari dunia yang fana? Cek liriknya, lagunya cucok sebenarnya]

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
2009 : London Skies – Jamie CuLLum
[just Look at the sky,babe..our Love’s up there.. LOL]

2017 :  She Had The World - Panic! At The Disco

[I don't love you I'm just passing the time

wtf no I won't dance to this song at my wedding at all! lol]

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
2009 : Love Hurts – Incubus
[wow. LOL]

2017 :  Song 6 - George Ezra

[I'm chasing you....lol]

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
2009 : Above You, BeLow Me – OST About A Boy
[LOL]

2017 : Dance Little Liar - Arctic Monkeys

[Well I can dance....randomly and badly]

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
2009 : IncompLete – Backstreet Boys
[yeaaa...]

2017 :  Oh God - Jamie Cullum

[Hmmm]

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
2009 : Have A Nice Day – Stereophonics
[have a nice day! :) ] 

2017 :  Raise Me Up - Lana Del Rey

[Yes, they raise my mood up :)]

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
2009 : What Can I Do – The Corrs
[what what what?] 

2017 : Drawing Board - George Ezra

[Kalau kamu tahu liriknya, ini beneran the worst thing that could happen lol]

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
2009 : Words – Boyzone
[yeah. sometimes.]

2017 : Music To Watch Boys To - Lana Del Rey

[Hahahaha nope]

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
2009 : PeLangi di Matamu – Jamrud
[LOL..i’m reaLLy sorry..]

2017 :  Startruck - Lady Gaga ft Flo-Rida

[omg, harusnya ini muncul di tahun 2009 ya :))]

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
2009 : Big Girls Dont Cry – Fergie
[heey. Big girLs DO cry. LOL]

2017 :  Andra & The Backbone - Lagi... Dan Lagi...

[Akhirnya lagu Indonesia! Hahaha]

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
2009 : FaLL For You – secondhand Serenade
[wiLL i die because of faLLing for you? Wow. I’m a hero then. LOL]

2017 : Penny Lane - The Beatles

[In Penny Lane, maybe? Silly answer okay]

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
2009 : I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing – David Cook
[of course! LOL]

2017 : What You Wanted (Acoustic) - One Republic

[no no no no it's what I wanted]

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
2009 : Decode – Paramore
[am i? am i?]

2017 :  Pattern - The Last Shadow Puppets

[Mereka sudah hapal polaku seperti apa hahaha]

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
2009 : Tranquilize – The KiLLers
[‘menenangkan’?]

2017 :  Photograph - Jamie Cullum

[Photograph likes me? lol]

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
2009 : Daisy – Switchfoot
[no! LOL]

2017 : Nothing I Do - Jamie Cullum

[lol it scares me but I enjoy doing nothing]

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
2009 : Shut Up and Let Me Go – The Thing Things
[hahahahahaaa...LOL]

2017 :  Love It When You Call - The Feeling

[silly answer]

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
2009 : Bring Me To Life – Evanescence
[bring me to Life!!!!!!!!!] 

2017 :  Jackie and Wilson - Hozier

[ONE OF THE BEST SONG! I love it so much!]

----

Bagaimana jawaban saya? Shuffle-an nya ada yang asik ada yang enggak, ah, lebih seru jawaban saya tahun 2009 hahaha. Mungkin karena playlist saya sekarang lagunya banyak banget. Kalau dulu mungkin nggak ada 200 deh, sekarang malah sepuluh kali lipatnya dari itu.

Kalau sedang iseng, boleh lho ikutan mengisi ini! Kasih tahu saya kalau kalau nanti buat post-nya, pasti saya baca.

Selamat berakhir pekan!

Kita tidak pernah bertukar kabar. Bertemu pun, itu hanya kebetulan semata. Walaupun aku percaya kebetulan itu adalah takdir sederhana, aku rasa kamu tidak tertarik dengan obsesiku terhadap romantisme dalam kehidupan sehari-hari. Mungkin kamu menggilainya ketika teman-temanmu yang menyatakannya, tapi tidak jika itu keluar dari mulutku. Tidak masalah. Kita tidak mengenal satu sama lain sedalam itu, aku mengerti.

Ketahuilah bahwa sebesar apapun simpati yang aku tunjukkan, itu masih tidak sebesar emosi yang aku rasakan terhadapmu ketika aku sendirian. Aku berusaha untuk memahami perlakuan apa yang kamu inginkan dariku yang bukan siapa-siapa ini dan walaupun aku bukan siapa-siapa aku ingin kamu tahu bahwa aku yang bukan siapa-siapa ini dengan tulus menginginkan kamu merasakan bahagia.

Aku hanya memelukmu sepersekian detik karena aku ragu.

Tidak semua orang nyaman dengan sentuhan, terlebih jika banyak orang di sekitarnya. Data-data dari penelitian yang aku baca kebanyakan ber-subjek orang non Indonesia, berpelukan di depan umum tidak sewajar itu dilakukan di sini. Selalu ada orang yang mengawasi orang lain dengan perhatian melebihi batas privasi. Seringnya, aku tidak peduli, jadi aku lakukan saja. Tapi kamu, mungkin, dan aku menghormati jalan pikirmu.

Aku tidak memelukmu seperti seharusnya.

Seharusnya aku memelukmu saat kamu bercerita. Seharusnya aku memelukmu saat aku lihat kilau air mengintip dari sudut matamu. Seharusnya aku memelukmu saat aku melihat kekosongan di wajahmu, di ragamu, di hatimu. Seharusnya aku memelukmu saat aku tahu kamu merasakan perih di dalam dada namun kamu mengangguk mengirimkan tanda bahwa kamu baik-baik saja. Seharusnya aku memelukmu saat aku tahu kamu membutuhkan seseorang untuk bersandar, tapi-

Tapi jelas bukan aku yang kamu inginkan untuk memelukmu seerat mungkin sehingga segala sedih dan lelah menguap keluar dari setiap sela tubuhmu sehingga barang sebentar saja kamu bisa beristirahat tanpa mengkhawatirkan setitik pun isi dunia.

Alih-alih, aku memelukmu di awal perjumpaan takdir sederhana, diiringi senyum menanyakan kabar dan basa-basi yang menyertainya.

Tentu saja aku ingin mendengarkan segalanya tapi tampaknya bukan telingaku yang kamu butuhkan. Aku mengerti jika kamu mengatakan membutuhkan siapapun dan aku mengajukan diri, kamu pun akan berpikir dua kali. Tapi ini semua hanya spekulasi karena kamu tidak pernah mengatakan apapun dan pertanyaanku mungkin akan menjadi beban. Perlu kamu tahu, kamu bukan beban bagiku. Aku tidak melihatmu sebagai sosok yang lemah. Kamu tidak pernah meminta apapun dariku.  Aku memelukmu karena aku mau.

Maka, aku memelukmu untuk diriku sendiri.....

..

..

..

..

..

....yang diam-diam menginginkan hal yang sama.

Kemarin waktu karaokean sama teman-teman, aku yang kebosanan sama lagu-lagu yang biasa aku nyanyikan browsing judul lagu di layar sentuh dengan kata kunci yang acak. You. Love. Don't.  Dream. Night.

Angel.

The Pretenders - Angel of The Morning

 

There'll be no strings to bind your hands
Not if my love can bind your heart
And there's no need to take a stand
For it was I who chose to start

I see no need to take me home
I'm old enough to face the dawn
Just call me angel of the morning, angel
Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby
Just call me angel of the morning, angel
Then slowly turn away from me

Maybe the sun's light will be dim
  So it won't matter any how
If morning's echo says we've sinned
Well, it was what I wanted now

 
And if we're the victims of the night
I won't be blinded by the light

Just call me angel of the morning, angel
Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby
Just call me angel of the morning, angel
Then slowly turn away
I won't beg you to stay with me

 
Through the tears of the pain
Of the years, oh baby baby, baby baby

Just call me angel of the morning, angel
Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby
Just call me angel of the morning, angel
Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby baby, oh baby

 

The frustrating feeling when you're inspired to write a songfic but then get distracted by other intense song and you want to write another songfic from that song...and end up with two half done messy plot lines.

Clearly, I'm not a good writer. Yet.

"Maaf mbak, boleh nanya? Itu makan sendiri nggak pake minum apa nggak seret? Ini ada sari kacang ijo....", kata seorang mas-mas unyu sambil nunjuk stand jualannya.

Sudah nonton Game of Throne?

Saya tadi pagi baru nonton. Saya nangis di 20-an menit pertama. Huhuhuhu. Akhirnya.... AKHIRNYA story line yang paling kunantikan ~~~ (/ T~T)/ *lari memeluk Sansa*

Ah, jadi ingat setahun yang lalu...

Duh, gambarnya butuh dipotong. Besok ah aku benerin. Bye.

A week before I turn 25.

I'm terrified.

It's not about getting old, 25 is not old, 65 is. I hate people who say something like "Oh no, I'm turning 20 I'm old now :((" well you can go somewhere I can't hear your opinion, please, go.

Anyway.

A year has passed like a tiny hole on my tire. I realized something weird was going on but I kept on riding it because maybe it was just my head making it up. Then suddenly it was too late. Flat tire in crowded street in the middle of the sunny day with no 'tambal ban' in sight. The embarrassment of walking my motorcycle, alone, under the sun, looking for a place to fix my tire, it was quite clarifying my insanity...

Good intuition you got there, self. How many 'tambal ban' you've passed? Like 10? 20?

God, forgive this sinful ungrateful piece of sh*t.

Why do I have to bring everything in my bag, it's freaking heavyyyyyy

These people...just riding motorcycle...going somewhere....having the best time of their life...

What are you looking at? WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT IF YOU WANT TO HELP JUST HELP STOP LOOKING THEN POINTING OUT AT MY HELPLESSNESS

This is it. This is what my life has become. A failure.

---

The pressure of not doing as well as my friends or other people at my age gets into me sometimes. I think most people feel the same when we compare ourselves to others and our self esteem somehow at low point, it makes us feel not doing or having enough. My religious side feels I need to be more grateful. That's not wrong. It's like a step one for me. You know. God comes first and stuff like that and also....because it's easier than step two, which is....actually doing something about it.

Emphasize actually. Is writing a blog post about my issues really affect the progress of working my life out? Emotionally, yes. The physically of the progress itself, no. So if you stumble on this post somehow and get tired of me whining over this particular matters again and again, feel free to cyber-slap me and cyber-scream anything to my face.

What is my brain what am I talking about.

I don't want to be 25 yet. I'm suck at being 24, how can I be good at being 25? I don't know what I'm doing. In any matter of life. Academic. Social. Romance. Future. Anything.

So there you go, the main point of this post.

I don't know anything and I'm terrified.

Aren't you tired? Falling into the same hole again and again. Making the same turn, knowing you'll get in the same place over and over again.

Do you realize how many times you've written something like this?

Okay now don't get so emotional right now.

Oh, you're feeling numb instead?

Feeling bored?

Want to end it all?

No?

Good.

 

Why are you afraid to change so much? Is it about that uniqueness identity shit you've been holding on? Is it about your ego to appear strong but deep inside you're weak as that silk tofu thingy crumbles on the cutting board?

You see, you think you're above anyone else.

Guess what?

You're not. Not a single milimeter.

The thing that you do everyday seems not working. So, stop. Do something else. Try something else and stick with it. 

It's hard, but it's not the hardest thing in the world at least give it a try and don't give up on yourself.

The shitty feelings you have, everyone has it, okay. Maybe for the same reason, maybe for a whole lot different reasons. You don't need to make sure that everyone knows what you're going through because it doesn't matter. Just show them, say it once or twice, and let them think what they want to think.

Don't. Feed. Your. Ego.

I know, I know. The attention is fun, the feeling that people recognize you or what you do is one of the best. But for now, you set your bar too low.

Too low. For too long.

You avoid things that matter and choose to give your attention to small things that doesn't affect much in your life over and over and over and oh my God just stop.

Did you...

Did you just google antidepressant?

You need to go to a real psychiatrist for that and don't you dare google where to buy it without prescription.

Do you need to see a real psychologist this time?

You know what, do what you thing necessary. If it helps, then it's good. Try it. You know the drill. It always come back to yourself. The others are just helping you to do it, so help yourself. 

It's not about hating who you are. You hate what you've become, it's still you, but it's not the only thing that define you. You get this?

I love you so much.

Just.

Please.

It sucks being stuck in this cage, it has been years. There's something out there for you. There's a lot of things that you need to see, you need to learn, things that all of your senses need to feel that so you can have a better understanding about life on earth and the essence of it.

You realize you have the key in your palm, don't you?