This Morning

4:00 PM

It feels weird walking around campus without meeting someone I know. There’s only juniors that two or more years younger than me. It’s been soooo long that I actually go to campus. I admit it I’ve been avoiding it for several months. I don’t know why I did that. I think I was lazy.

I decided to not be lazy anymore. If I’m lazy, I don’t do any progress in my thesis, and that means I can’t graduate. I want to graduate, so... Yeah. Simple logic but it takes me a year to realize that I really want to graduate.

Beside that, my sister is going to get married next year, in February. After that, she will be moving in to her husband’s house and his house is so far from here, it takes 8 hours car ride. I don’t think without her to talk about what’s stress me out, will keep me sane. When she’s gone, it’s just me, my older brothers, and my parents in the house. All of them drive me crazy sometimes and I’m not a patient person. I might be calm, but I’m boiling inside. I’m afraid if I still have some unfinished business, I will explode and have to go 'somewhere for special treatment'. That won't be pretty.  So. I must graduate before my sister’s getting married.

Now I have to make a destitution letter because I forgot to pay college fee for last semester. See, this is my fault. I don’t really realize that my action (in this case my laziness) affect my parents life in a way. The destitution letter should be signed by the head of the lowest administrative unit and the head of administrative unit at the next-to-lowest level in city (yeah, that's the English for RT and RW... I guess).

My parents are not poor. My parents are wealthy enough to pay college fee. Would my parents be ashamed? My father have three cars, for God’s sake, of course they would be ashamed. They will be ashamed because of me. ME. Now I really want to cry. Well, there’s tears hanging in my eyes.

This morning I just want to get my excitement for doing my thesis back. So I went to an aerobic morning class, took a shower there, then went to campus to take care my thesis card. After that I was planning to go to a cafe and start writing my thesis again. Unfortunately, my stupidity got in the way. Ugh.

I thought that I wasn’t hungry anymore because I felt like there was a stack of rocks in my stomach, thinking about how I’m letting down my parents.

But a girl got to eat.

There is an eatery place around campus that I want to try. So here I am, in a peaceful place named Kedai Kolondjono. Sitting all by my self, all alone in a table for four.

Time after time. Bites after bites.

You know what, I want to own a place like Kedai Kolondjono. It gives cozy atmosphere, it’s small, it’s only have 18 chairs for costumers, it’s not in a crowded street, it plays good music and not so loud, there’s an air conditioner, free wi-fi, and the food is organic. I don’t really care about organic food, actually, as long as they’re halal and delicious, I’ll eat it hahaha. It’s also not really pricey, consider it organic. It’s a good place to spend ‘me time’. It’s also a good place to work something with your books or laptop. I definitely want to go back here couple of times again.

Well. Now I have a proper energy to stop being sad, so I stop.

Okay, here’s what I’m gonna do.

In this particular destitution letter situation :

Make an apology to may parents. Okay. :(  They’re gonna be mad at me. Though I’m kinda afraid of my father, I can’t avoid him for the rest of my life. And my mother. Oh my. How can I did this to them? How can I let them down again and again? :(

In this ENTIRE LIFE. Like, really. :

Stop regreting everything. It had happened, I can not change anything that had already happened. So be it.

Stop making excuses for anything. Like, everything. I have this urge to having and giving reasons. Well, everything happen because of reason, and sometimes the reason is stupidity. So I should stop being...stupid. I don’t want to be stupid anymore.

Do my thesis wholehearted. I’m always think too much, therefore it looks like I’m always serious, but actually I’m not. I’m always thinking about something that I forget to doing it. I should pour my heart into my work. I chose the topic, I should enjoy it somehow.

Be more grateful. I have this seriously strong power of one of the seven sins : envy. Lately, I find my self envious when someone post a picture while they’re studying abroad or when anyone make another achievement. It makes me want their life because my life is so boring and useless. See how hopeless I got? I don’t want to think that way anymore. I should be thankful that God has given me chance to be a better person, I should be more grateful.

Be focus. THIS IS THE HARDEST OF ALL. I guess. I’m so easily distracted with other activities that more fun than doing my thesis. I need to read a lot of books, watch videos that related to my research, maybe it will help to put my mind on my thesis in a fun way, every time.

That’s for now.

Oh, can you help me? When you see me playing or doing nothing, please tell me to write my thesis. Don't invite me to do something fun... Oh, why oh whyyyy :(. Unless you really need me to have some fun. Don’t ask too much, don’t make me give you any excuses. Just tell me to do my thesis. Please?

Thank you very much. Wish me luck!

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  1. Uuuuuw Mbak Dhita semangat ya! Semangat buat kita berdua! Aku juga mengalami itu beberapa bulan yg lalu. Baru kemarin2 ini mulai lagi. Btw, soal SPP Desti juga begitu, sing tatag ya Mbak, ada hikmahnya :')

    1. Aku kirim peluk semangat buat kamu dan aku~ ( />u<)/
      Ini ketiga kalinya aku merasa gagal... Emoha koyo ngene meneh. Kudu ora koyo ngene meneh.
      Kalau ini BOP sih, bukan SPP. Dan ada kemungkinan keciiiil banget bisa nggak pake surat, tapi aku baru bisa tahu besok Senin. Mari berharap semoga bisa nggak pake surat..hehe. Nek harus pake surat ya sudah, harus aku hadapi.
      Makasih ya Menk :')